Back when i switched my blog over to WordPress, i did so for a couple of reasons. Probably the main reason was that over the course of a couple of years, a few family members had gotten a’hold of the address, and although they only occasionally stopped by to read it, i still felt like i had restrictions on what i could and couldn’t say. Sort of like a filter that kept me from discussing certain things and prevented me from fully expressing myself.
Well, after switching, and as time has passed, i realized that i am so conditioned not to write about my family in any deep, meaningful way, that i’ve still been subconsciously avoiding it. With that being said, something happpened over the weekend that shouldn’t have been a big deal, but quickly became one, and i could really use some reassurance that i’m not being completely crazy about this…
Recently, i sent my relatively conservative aunt and uncle a lengthy, heartfelt email about all that T and i had been through to date with TTC, and basically just said it was time to break our silence, and that i hope they didn’t think we were keeping anything from them all this time, etc. etc. They have always been very supportive of T and me, although they continue to vote Republican and make occasional racially insensitive remarks, etc. etc. (my uncle, that is, not my aunt). They’re both pretty clueless about kids because they never had any, but part of my motivation to discuss it with them was that i knew the reason they didn’t have kids was because they too struggled with infertility for years, before there was any such thing as IVF. What i received in response via email was less than touching.
Basically they said that they were glad in the long run they never had kids because of all the problem children they had encountered throughout their lives, and also that “i should realize what a financial burden children are”. Well, needless to say i sort of closed the door at that point. It’s obvious to me that although they fully accept T and i as a couple, they aren’t very comfortable with us having children. Whatever.
Fast forward to this weekend. My sister-in-law, who is relatively new to the family, has always struggled with some pretty serious insecurities and jealousy issues regarding my brother’s ex wife and daughter. From day one it has been the #1 issue in their relationship, and doesn’t seem to have ceased in the year or so that they’ve been married. She agreed to drive down to my aunt and uncle’s with my mom (my brother had to work), where my aunt was hosting a massive bridal shower for my sister, and also for the town’s annual Mardi Gras dog parade. It was a big weekend, with tons of extended family–even T’s sisters, who are interning at Disney, drove over for the day (that was super cool since they’re from Hawaii and we haven’t seen either of them in over a year). Unfortunately, the first thing SIL saw upon entering their house was a photo collage of a trip my brother and his ex wife and daughter had taken to the Keys with my aunt and uncle. Its the only photo in the house of his ex wife, and i think they mainly keep it up because it was a gift, and a part of our family’s history that they just aren’t willing to discard. It’s cool–i get that. But SIL does not. And boy did she show it. Pretty much the whole weekend was trying to scoop her up out of a funk and explain that no one meant any harm by it, and that she should just feel confident in her place in our family, and know that no one wants the ex back in our lives. Trust me on that one. It never really seemed to work, and she was sort of close to tears all weekend, unless she was being momentarily distracted.
Saturday night, after the long day of festivities, eating, drinking, etc., all the ladies (sans T, who had slipped off to bed) were sitting in the living room, finishing off the wine, and just chatting. i can’t even remember what we were talking about, but my aunt started talking about one of my mom’s cousins and his wife (we’ll call them P and M). “That poor M, she has had such a hard time getting pregnant…i just feel so badly for them. You know, i think she had a miscarriage recently.“ Everyone in the room sort of shook their heads in sympathy and the conversation went on, and at the time i didn’t really think anything about it (mind you, they have one child already, and have more money than i could ever dream of, so sometimes its hard for me to feel *exceptionally* sorry for them). But as i sat there for a little longer, i thought, well that was weird that she (or anyone else) didn’t even glance over at me, or say, “a hard time, like you and T”, or anything. i wasn’t particularly upset about it, but i did think it was a bit insensitive all around. When i went to bed a few minutes later, i woke T up and asked what she thought. She seconded my insensitive vote.
Fast forward again to Sunday morning, and we’re all packing up to leave. SIL is still obviously upset, so i pulled her aside and said, look, Aunt * says and does things that are insensitive all the time and doesn’t mean any harm by them. It’s just part of her nature–she’s kind of spacy and goofy about things. Take for instance last night, when she said blah blah blah–i thought that was pretty insensitive. Again, SIL agreed. As we were talking, my mom walked in and saw us talking quietly and said, ‘oh, sorry’ and walked out of the room. No biggie.
Sunday night, my mom called to recap the weekend and just chat, and she finally asked what we had been talking about when she walked in. So, i told her just what happened, that i was trying to sooth SIL by showing her that its not just her that gets the brunt of weird comments and things in Aunt *’s presence, and telling her how i felt about what she had said Saturday night. Well, my mom pretty much flew off the handle and told me i was being completely ridiculous. Some of the things she said, as i was backpeddling trying to explain that it wasn’t even that big of a deal were:
*What, are we not supposed to feel sorry for anyone but YOU?
*Those things just aren’t appropriate to talk to everyone about (to which i said, ‘why, because we’re gay?’, to which she said:
*Are you kidding? You have a REAL chip on your shoulder, girl
*That is as stupid and self-focused as SIL not wanting any pictures around of [ex wife]
At this point, i said, ‘wow’ and just hung up the phone. i was pissed. Seriously. i mean, what the f*ck? So she calls back about 30 minutes later and just adds to the list with:
*Well i’m sorry that your whole weekend was ruined by something that someone said
*i don’t know why you’re so angry with everyone all the time
*You must be mad at Aunt * and Uncle * because they haven’t given you any money
*i can’t change the laws for you to make this easier on you
*i don’t know why you think we wouldn’t be happy for you guys if this happened for you
So, instead of smoothing things over, she managed to piss me off even more. Here are the email exchanges we’ve had since that time:
Just so you know, i don’t want anything from Aunt * and Uncle *, and what i perceived as insensitive didn’t ruin anything about the weekend. But i have a right to feel that something is insensitive, period. i don’t need you to tell me that i’m WRONG for feeling that way. i wasn’t angry with Aunt *, and i’m not angry with Uncle * or anyone about anything. Also, i never said i thought people wouldn’t be happy for us if we managed to have a child, somehow, sometime, somewhere in the completely unrealistic future. That’s wonderful. There was never any doubt that any child of ours would be fully loved and embraced. That isn’t the issue. The issue is something that you simply can’t understand–in fact, no one except people who have been in our shoes CAN understand. M and P certainly understand, and by no means do i want us all NOT to feel sorry for them or discuss their issues–i feel bad for them too. Aunt * can also understand what we’ve gone through, which is why i felt it was odd and “insensitive” for her to be so blaise about that last night. However, i also know that M & P have the means to undergo IVF or adopt at any time. They also already have one child, which we would be eternally grateful for. Do these things make their plight any less painful than ours? No. But they do make the whole situation a bit more hopeful for them than it is for us.
The entire point of that conversation was not for you to validate what i was feeling. i feel completely confident in my opinion of the situation, and dealt with it right then and there by going to bed. i didn’t make any issue out of it at all, and wasn’t even going to say anything until you asked me what SIL and i were discussing. My whole point in telling SIL was to demonstrate that Aunt *, with the best of intentions, can be insensitive to everyone from time to time. SIL was upset that she had called her [ex wife’s name] several times without apologizing, and i was trying to show her that all of us get slighted by her on occasion (via, ‘wow, you look sick and tired’ comments, etc.). She loves us all, but she is absent minded and silly about things sometimes, and i felt by sharing that story with SIL, she would realize that no one is “out to get her”, and that certainly no one feels like [brother] should still be with [ex wife]. Aunt * just doesn’t think about what she says sometimes.
But just so you know, i don’t expect more help from everyone in our family than they have already provided. And i would NEVER be angry with anyone for not providing assistance with fertility treatment, and your suggestion that i would actually puts me on the defensive. i don’t expect YOU to change any “rules” as you said in your message, or to give me anything other than unconditional love and support, and the occasional extra sympathy two days after finding out that my body is still completely fucked up. i don’t know what to do.
This whole thing has made me an emotional wreck for as long as i can remember, and i guess i just would like to feel an occasional extra hug or recognition for all that we’ve been through, rather than everyone tiptoeing around the issue because it makes THEM feel uncomfortable. i don’t want to sit around with the whole family and talk about it either, just so you know. Infertility is one of the loneliest places i could ever imagine being because NO ONE talks about it. It is truly “the silent struggle”, and some days i don’t feel like i have the strength to even get out of bed, because life seems so unfair. Everyone wants to say, “hang in there” or “relax” or “it’ll happen” or the worst, “everything happens for a reason”–well, no it doesn’t. And once in a while i wish someone would say, ‘you know, this sucks a big fat one, doesn’t it? i am so sorry–let me know if you ever want to talk’. It just so happens that YOU are the only person who has ever done that for me, which is why i was surprised to hear you so adamantly defend Aunt* in our conversation today. i figured you would always be on my side about this, and want to hear me out, rather than not even letting me tell my whole story and just telling me i was wrong and “self-focused” like SIL. If you had chosen to hear me out, you would have understood that i took Aunt*’s comments as just another silly, absent minded thing that she says, and was over it by morning. That i was completely appreciative for all that she did for G’s wonderful party, and hosting us all, and that i made sure she knew that before we left.
i’m not holding anything against anyone, but i AM a little offended that you would choose to take the position that you did when i confided in you about something that hurt my feelings.Its as simple as that. So sorry for hanging up on you, but i don’t have the energy or emotional strength to argue about these things right now.
i love you.A
She called me Tuesday morning to ask me a question about her computer, and after talking distantly with her for a little while i said, ’so, does that mean you haven’t checked your email?’, to which she replied, ‘Oh, you mean that blisterer of an email you sent me? What, did you send me something else?’ And that was that. i hung up the phone more pissed than ever that she didn’t even have a response to what i’d said. No apology, no ‘we’ll talk later’, no nothing. So i sent this:
Ok, so i am now really surprised that you didn’t have anything to say about my email other than that it was “blistering”. You obviously missed the whole point. i guess i need to learn to keep my mouth shut and stop sharing my feelings and pouring my heart out to people who aren’t going to respond. Makes me feel like a giant asshole.
To which i received this:
Okay..if you don’t feel like that was abit “blistering”..then perhaps you are being accidentally insensitive! Geez..I read this once at home and felt it best to let it go until you were not so hurt by my lack of support..but then the computer went out and I didn’t respond or try to explain because I felt you just may need to vent…and I get you upset with me for NOT saying anything!Your situation sucks..there is nothing I can do but be as supportive as I can! I still can feel sorry for anyone with those issues..and say it! What is it you want me to say to you ?..I’m at a loss! What exactly did Aunt* say that you felt was hurtful or insensitive to you? If you would rather wait awhile to respond..thats okay! By the way..what did I say about “rules”.? I love you and would never intentionlly hurt you !
To which i responded this:
In answer to your questions:i didn’t feel like i was being blistering, because i was explaining how i felt about it and trying to address each and every point that you mentioned either on the phone or in the voice mail that you left me. The most important thing that i’m upset about that you don’t seem to be “getting” is that i never said or felt that you (or anyone else) shouldn’t feel bad for M and P. i am a HUGE advocate for infertile couples, regardless of what their situation is. In fact, that’s the main reason i feel comfortable with the egg donation scenario–i want to help, because no matter how much money you have or how many legal options are available to you because you’re straight, it doesn’t take the pain away from not being able to get pregnant or stay pregnant.
BUT–and this is the most important thing–NO ONE has ever publicly said anything about what T and i are going through. You and i have discussed it. [Another uncle] and i have discussed it. But while it seems perfectly acceptable to garner support and sympathy for M and P, publicly (by publicly i mean in the forum of our family gatherings), we are never brought in to the equation. The second most important thing–hell, maybe this is the most important thing–is that i was never upset with Aunt * or Uncle *, and i don’t know where you got that idea from. Having my feelings hurt is different than being “mad” at someone about something. And i simply thought that Aunt *’s oversight of our situation was insensitive–she didn’t even glance my way or anything when she talked about them. i’m sorry if you don’t get that, but it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t make my thoughts on it any less valid. T thought it was insensitive, too. That does not however, mean that i was mad at Aunt * in any way, shape, or form.
Lastly, i never wanted this to be an issue at all. As i said, the only reason i brought it up was because you asked, and what upset me was your reaction to my feelings on the matter. i am just curious what gives you the right to judge my feelings on a situation that you are not involved in? i mean really–you flat out told me i was “wrong” for feeling that way. That’s what made me so upset. And telling me that i have a chip on my shoulder…man! When someone gains an idea of what it feels like, societally, to be black, homeless, disfigured, or gay, or whatever…then they can talk about chips on people’s shoulders. But until you know what it feels like to have to watch your back constantly, to see only images of straight couples with kids on tv, movies, or in the media, to listen to people snicker (or say “ew”) in class when someone mentions something “gay”, to hear politicians debating over how immoral your life style is, to be 100% helpless when it comes to legislation passing that either protects you or exposes you to outright bigotry, to see signs reading “God hates fags”…until that happens, you don’t understand what kind of a chip is on my shoulder. i’m sorry if that sounds blistering…but its true. You think that things are easy for T and me because we’re pretty and relatively feminine, but you don’t know the half of it. i think my chip could rightfully be a LOT bigger if i let more things get to me. But i feel like i do a pretty good job of not letting the world around me dictate my self-worth, so to hear that was kind of a slap in the face.
When i took the time to write to Aunt* and Uncle* and explain what was going on with them, i waited about two weeks before hearing back from them. Aunt* wrote a couple of paragraphs and told me all about what a financial burden children are and how she and Uncle* were glad in the long run that they never had any. At the time i thought–she would never say these things to [brother], or M and P, or anyone else in our family but me. Because they still look at me as a child, know that we don’t have a lot of money, and i know, that fundamentally, they take issue with the fact that two women will be raising our child. i absolutely know that they love us, but i also know that they would rather us not be doing this. So…maybe my sensitivity to what she said on Saturday night was related to the fat that i know in my heart they disapprove. Who knows.
The “rules’ thing is what you said in your message–that i must be upset because you can’t change the rules for us to make things easier. It just hurts that you think i would feel that way. Or most of all, that i would be mad at anyone for not giving me money. That’s just not me. Thanks for responding–i don’t expect anything else from anyone. i don’t want apologies, i don’t want extra attention, i don’t want anything but to have my feelings respected. Just know that…
And i’ve gotten nothing back. Am i the crazy one here? Have i totally allowed my emotions to take over something i should have just let go? How did some stupid little thing turn in to such a big deal? i know that my anger isn’t with my Aunt, its with my mom, but why? So if you’ve made it through this painfully long post and have some insight, i’d be happy to hear it. Because its really weighing on me and i don’t know if i should just drop it, or take a stand.
